sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
