areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
MIDGETS
????
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
