Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
3 2 1 whiskey
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
