no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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