my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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