Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
