why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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