you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
