What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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