its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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