Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
