Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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