She is in my trunk
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
