Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
