I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
