sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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