Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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