You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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