tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Never underestimate the power of titties
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