you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
