life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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