I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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