If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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