Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had sex on a roof
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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