i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
