Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
