he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
They took my balls.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
