you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
