i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The struggles of a small town man whore
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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