bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
