the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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