A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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