We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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