ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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