I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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