I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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