the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
