Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
