Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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