Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
