no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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