I accidentally had phone sex last night
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
