i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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