Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You can't special order awesome
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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