I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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