do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
