And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
