Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
