Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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