I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
