You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
