I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
