sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
