I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We were destined to go to rehab together
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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